Mitt's Commencement Address: Not Even Full Of Sound & Fury; Just Signifying Nothing

Mitt Romney today delivered the commencement address at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. What his remarks lacked in brevity, they more than made up for in tedium. Having spent 37 years in corporate America and listened to thousands of hours of meaningless speeches delivered by soul-less empty suits, your intrepid diarist has crafted the following annotated version of the commencement address that reveals the sentiments that Mitt would have conveyed, if only he had a shred of moral honesty.

Without further ado:  

For the graduates, this moment marks a clear ending and a clear beginning. The task set before you four years ago is now completed in full. To the class of 2012: Well done, and congratulations.

Some of you may have taken a little longer than four years to complete your studies. One graduate has said that he completed his degree in only two terms: Clinton's and Bush's.

In some ways, it is fitting that I share this distinction with Truett Cathy. The Romney campaign comes to a sudden stop when we spot a Chick-fil-A. Your chicken sandwiches were our comfort food through the primary season, and there were days that we needed a lot of comforting. So, Truett, thank you and congratulations on your well-deserved honor today.

Yeah. Store-bought chicken sandwiches? Not for “moi” of course. I mean, they don’t even use Grey Poupon mustard! Who knows if those people even washed their hands?! No, these were just for the campaign staff. You gotta love those kids: they’ll eat just about any kind of fast food, and that saves us a lot of time so we can get to the hotel and I can have my chateaubriand with quail eggs, baby asparagus, and truffles.

There are some people here who are even more pleased than the graduates. Those would be the parents. Their years of prayers, devotion, and investment have added up to this joyful achievement. And with credit to Congressman Dick Armey: The American Dream is not owning your own home, it is getting your kids out of the home you own.

You see what I did there?! That was pretty funny! Ann’s not kidding; I really am a wild and crazy guy! By the way: pay no attention to those losers who whine about paying off student loans at exhorbitant rates. It’s important for you kids to get a good start in the working world, and I’m sure your folks will be only too happy to advance you the money to buy your own place or start your own business.

[Follow along below the vacuum of Mitt's soul for the rest of the address...]